nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
nothing
INTRODUCTION
nothing
This is the story of a badger who moves to the city seeking adventure but the isolation and loneliness that he finds there drives him to do some very strange things.
nothing
nothing
Cast
(in order of appearance):
Larry - Sam Plett
Concierge - Geung Lee
Melinda - Sarah Kirsch
Bob - Jan Raeimon Nato
Munroe - Geung Lee
Clown - Sarah Kirsch
First Animal Control Officer - Jan Raeimon Nato
Second Animal Control Officer - Geung Lee
Alphonse - Jan Raeimon Nato
nothing
Musicians
Karin Erhardt (cello)
Kristjanna Oleson (viola).
nothing
nothing
More Information About The Loneliest Badger
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
The daytime streets of a big city: there is the usual bustle of the downtown. A bus stops and a portly well-dressed badger gets off.
LARRY:
[to the bus driver]
Goodbye sir and godspeed!
[The bus pulls away and Larry looks around.]
It's all stone! And so tall! And so many cars! I've seen more cars today than in all my life!
[He walks along dragging his suitcase.]
LARRY:
Just an ordinary badger
come into the city
Ready for adventure
and all that that
entails.
nothing
No more lonely sitting
all alone
in my old sett
but all the excitement
of the urban badger set.
[Laughs at his own pun.]
nothing
I'll be sipping
champagne and strolling
with mam'selles
I'll be quipping
bon mots
and staying in hotels.
nothing
The city life for me,
the sophisticated badger life
for me,
surrounded by my badger
friends,
the Toast of Badger Society!
Delicious!
[Laughs again.]
LARRY:
I wonder where all the other badgers are? I musn't be near Badgertown.
[Trys to stop a passerby.]
Excuse me sir do you know where Badgertown is?
[Passerby ignores him.]
Ma'am? Ma'am?
[Larry tries to flag down a number of people all of whom continue on their way not looking at him but throwing change at his feet. Larry says thank you each time.]
It's like I am invisible. How very curious.
nothing
SCENE TWO
The lobby of a reasonably seedy downtown hotel. A greasy man in an undershirt sits behind a counter staring at a computer screen. Larry enters, walks up to the counter and puts down his suitcase.
LARRY:
Good afternoon sir. Do you rent rooms here?
CONCIERGE:
[without looking up]
It's a hotel.
LARRY:
Very good! [stands waiting expectantly]
CONCIERGE:
[looking up]
Do you want one?
LARRY:
Yes! Yes I do! If you could give me one near the other badgers that would be the best.
CONCIERGE:
The other badgers?
LARRY:
Yes please.
CONCIERGE:
What other badgers?
LARRY:
The other badgers in the hotel.
CONCIERGE:
There aren't any.
LARRY:
None?
CONCIERGE:
Not a one.
LARRY:
So where are the badgers in this city?
CONCIERGE:
There aren't any.
LARRY:
None?
CONCIERGE:
Not a one. [pauses] There was one.
LARRY:
And where is he?
CONCIERGE:
Schleswig-Holstein. He went home. He couldn't get his cheese here.
LARRY:
I see. And now there is none?
CONCIERGE:
Not a one. [pauses] Let me tell you something. Save you a lot of trouble.
Stay off the streets
don't go to bars
you won't find
what you
are looking for.
nothing
There's no one there
that's just like you
no flesh and fur
to match your own.
nothing
Get one of these
[taps his computer]
and get online
coz here you'll find
just
what you want.
nothing
Click, click you're there
no need to care,
if others find it weird
that you're turned on,
by a penguin
in a beard.
nothing
It's all okay
It's all
all good
no one says no,
or wait for me.
nothing
And best of all
there's no one
anywhere
[Looks both ways furtively and Larry does the same.]
to judge.
[Larry stands in silence for a moment looking at the concierge.]
LARRY:
Just the room please.
CONCIERGE:
Okay.
nothing
nothing
SCENE THREE
[Larry's room. Larry lies alone on his bed. His bags unpacked. His jacket off and neatly draped over the lone chair.]
LARRY:
I am the only badger.
How can that be?
In all this great
city there is no one but me?
nothing
Not a sett
says he,
not a single
stripey headed confrere.
There is only one badger
and he
is me.
nothing
But how would
he know?
Who is he?
An able concierge he may be,
versed
in the renting of rooms,
skilled
in the hailing of cabs,
but finder of badgers?
Not he.
nothing
If,
in this city,
a friendly
fellow badger
is to be found
he will
be found
by me.
nothing
[At some point during this speech Larry gets up wanders around looks out the window and by the end he is ready to go out. On the last lines he puts on his homburg and picks up his cane.]
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
nothing
[It is evening in a residential area of the city. Larry is strolling alone looking at houses. There is a wide expanse of lawn between the sidewalk and the houses so Larry can't really see in the windows.]
nothing
LARRY:
It's hard to tell who lives in these houses. They could be filled with badgers.
nothing
[Two star-noded moles approach Larry on the sidewalk. They are walking with white canes.]
nothing
FIRST MOLE:
Do you smell badger?
SECOND MOLE:
I do.
FIRST MOLE:
That's odd.
SECOND MOLE:
It is.
LARRY:
[Now directly in front of the moles.]
Good Evening.
FIRST MOLE:
[Ignoring Larry. To Second Mole:]
It's quite a nice evening.
SECOND MOLE:
It is.
[The two moles stop walking and stand near Larry.]
FIRST MOLE:
But that smell!
SECOND MOLE:
Yes.
[A third star-nosed mole, also walking with a white cane, enters.]
THIRD MOLE:
Do I hear Bob and Melinda?
BOB and MELINDA:
Yes!
BOB:
Is that Monroe?
THIRD MOLE:
No. It's Munroe.
BOB and MELINDA:
Ah.
[The three moles are now standing together all around Larry but ignoring him.]
ALL THREE MOLES TOGETHER:
It's a great night
for moles
to be out!
nothing
And we know
what we're
talking about!
nothing
Cause
we're moles!
Three moles!
nothing
Three moles
are better
than one!
nothing
Three moles
are even better
than two!
nothing
Moles together
are better
together!
nothing
Cause one mole
is just
all alone!
nothing
BOB:
Let's go somewhere!
MELINDA:
Yes.
MUNROE:
Let's try that new mole bistro! I hear they have dirt from Europe!
ALL THREE:
Yes!
[The three moles exit, leaving Larry standing alone.]
LARRY:
This must be the mole neighbourhood.
[Larry exits.]
nothing
SCENE TWO
[Larry is looking in the window of a basement apartment. He is crouched uncomfortably beside a bush. At first the apartment seems empty but then we see a small dog enter the room. Larry crouches lower to avoid detection. A clown enters the room and places a little clown hat that matches his own on the dog.]
CLOWN:
There you go.
[He stands up and admires the look.]
Now we are quite the pair.
Ready to stun the world eh? A real team like...
[He cannot think of an appropriate pair.]
Starsky and Hutch...no
Laurel and Hardy...no
Frick and Frack...no
Tracy and Hepburn...mmm
Bogart and Bacall...mmmm
AH HA - The Clown and His Dog!
CLOWN:
You and I
are such a pair
as never has been
seen.
nothing
You and I
are such a pair
of dog
and human
bein'.
nothing
Always together
never apart
separated
by not so much as
a whiff
of
air.
[The Clown at some point picks up the dog and begins to dance around singing and kissing the dog.]
We are a team.
An unbeatable team.
Separately
we are nothing
together
our mote becomes
a beam!
[Spinning around the Clown knocks over the coffee table on the last line. It crashes and a startled Larry shrieks. The Clown drops the dog and runs to the window. Larry runs away.]
nothing
nothing
SCENE THREE
Larry is alone in his room again. He has returned somewhat rattled from the incident with the clown and his dog.
LARRY:
That was so frightening.
I was almost caught.
What was I thinking
staring in those windows
that is so fraught
with danger.
The chance of discovery
of shame and humiliation,
I cannot subject myself
to that kind of degradation.
nothing
[pauses and walks about the room]
But I am so lonely
there is, it seems
no one for me.
The clown has his dog and the moles
why there were three!
nothing
But I'm a single badger
single, unpaired and
free!
Free to sit alone
and imagine what could be.
nothing
[speaking]
Still I mustn't do that again. It is too dangerous. And too weird.
[sits on the edge of his bed]
I feel restless.
[he looks at his hat and coat and cane hanging by the door]
I shouldn't go out.
I need to relax.
I need to burn off some steam.
I'll exercise.
[Larry gets down on the floor and struggles for sometime trying to do a pushup and fails miserably. Sitting on the floor he looks again at his coat and cane.]
Maybe a short walk.
I'll be careful.
[Larry dresses and leaves]
ACT THREE
nothing
SCENE ONE
Larry is out on the street again. He walks along trying not to look at the houses. He is very nervous.
LARRY: [determinedly]
I will not look.
I will not look. [a little weaker]
There is nothing to see. [trying to convince himself]
I will merely stroll along.
[A little more cheerfully but slowing losing steam. With the beginning of each verse he picks up a bit of strength only to have it disappear by the end of the verse.]
There is really nothing wrong
with a solitary badger
enjoying a saunter,
all alone,
all by oneself,
all alone.
nothing
A solitary badger
enjoying a saunter
not bothered by any
unseemly
curiosity.
nothing
A solitary badger
enjoying a saunter
who feels no terrible
urges.
nothing
A solitary badger
enjoying a saunter
has no need
to peek,
to see...
nothing
[Larry stops walking]
What is behind...
[Larry looks toward a house]
Door
number
three.
nothing
[Larry shivers and strides off walking again]
nothing
There is nothing.
Nothing for me.
Behind those windows.
Behind those curtains.
Behind those doors.
Behind those...
bushes.
nothing
[Larry stops and edges towards the potentillas.]
nothing
Maybe just one peek.
nothing
SCENE TWO
On the street where Larry is hiding in the potentillas peeking into the windows of a house. Two animal control officers are walking along searching. One of them is carrying a butterfly net.
FIRST ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER:
I don't see anything.
SECOND ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER:
They said this street.
FIRST ACO:
What was it, a burro?
SECOND ACO:
A badger.
FIRST ACO:
That's the one with the stripes on the head right?
SECOND ACO:
Yeah.
FIRST ACO:
They stink right?
SECOND ACO:
Not like a skunk.
FIRST ACO:
That's good.
SECOND ACO:
This one is supposed to be wearing a hat.
FIRST ACO:
A hat?
SECOND ACO:
Yep.
FIRST ACO:
Must be from the circus.
SECOND ACO:
They don't have badgers in the circus.
FIRST ACO:
No?
[They approach the house where Larry is crouching in the bushes. The Second Animal Control Officer spots Larry and nudges his partner.]
SECOND ACO:
[quietly to the 1st ACO]
Hey.
FIRST ACO:
I'll get him! I'll get him! [He sprints up to Larry and grabs him knocking off his hat]
I've got him! I've got him!
SECOND ACO:
[Running up with the butterfly net.]
I'll get him! I'll get him!.
LARRY:
[guiltily and with panicky struggling against 1st ACO and trying to fight off the net]
I was doing nothing!
FIRST ACO:
[letting go of Larry and recoiling in fear]
He's rabid! He's rabid!
SECOND ACO:
[who now has the net over Larry and is hanging on for dear life]
No he's not! No he's not!
FIRST ACO:
[refusing to get involved in the struggle]
Yes he is! Yes he is!
LARRY:
Unhand me! Unhand me!
SECOND ACO:
[still struggling with Larry]
The sashweight! The sashweight!.
FIRST ACO:
Oh yeah.
[Strikes Larry over the head with a sashweight and Larry drops unconscious]
Oh.
nothing
nothing
SCENE THREE
Larry is abandoned alone in the woods. He has lost his hat and cane and is somewhat dishevelled. His tie is askew. He is wandering alone and frightened.
nothing
LARRY:
Oh.
I don't know
where I am.
nothing
Where am I?
[He looks around frantically.]
nothing
Where is my cane?
My head hurts.
[He puts his hands on his head.]
Where is my hat?
nothing
These woods are unfamiliar,
so dark and...
unfamiliar.
nothing
[He starts walking but with no sense of purpose.]
nothing
Now I am alone.
[He looks around at the trees which seem dark and frightening.]
So totally alone.
There are no
buildings
only trees,
[pause]
without windows.
nothing
There is no friendly concierge,
no happy crowd of moles,
no joyful clown,
no laughing dog.
nothing
[Larry stops walking. He seems very tired.]
No one.
No one here
but me.
There is no
one even
to ignore
me.
nothing
[Larry stands in silence for a while with his head hanging in despair.]
[Suddenly a small weasel appears in front of Larry. He is wearing liederhosen and a Tyrolean hat.]
THE WEASEL (ALPHONSE):
Hello.
LARRY:
[A little stunned.]
Hello.
ALPHONSE:
My name is Alphonse. What is yours?
LARRY:
[Still a little stunned.]
Larry.
ALPHONSE:
Welcome to the woods, Larry.
LARRY:
[Marginally less stunned.]
Uh... Thank you, uh... Alphonse.
ALPHONSE:
Would you like to come for tea?
LARRY:
[Recovering somewhat. Straightens his tie.]
Thank you, that would be nice.
[The two start walking away together.]
ALPHONSE:
[As they are walking away together.]
Larry? How do you feel about dominoes?
nothing
SCENE FOUR:
nothing
Listen this scene and the Epilogue
Larry and Alphonse are sitting on Alphonse's porch. They are drinking tea, listening to lieder on Alphonse's old Victrola and playing a game of dominoes. Both animals look relaxed and happy. Neither is wearing his hat.
nothing
LARRY:
You are really quite skilled, Alphonse.
ALPHONSE:
Thank you. It is so nice to have a partner again. Solitaire dominoes is so difficult.
LARRY:
I imagine.
ALPHONSE:
It is hard because you have to pretend you don't know what you are going to do.
LARRY:
Sometimes that's easy.
ALPHONSE:
I suppose. [pause] Do you like the tea?
LARRY:
It's quite nice.
ALPHONSE:
It's not too sweet?
LARRY:
No, it's just right.
ALPHONSE:
That's good. I put two sugars in.
LARRY:
That's perfect.
ALPHONSE:
How is that chair?
LARRY:
It's quite comfortable.
ALPHONSE:
I just re-upholstered it.
LARRY:
[lifting one cheek to look]
It's quite comfortable.
ALPHONSE:
That's good. Do you like this recording?
LARRY:
[leaning back contentedly in his chair]
I am quite fond of lieder.
ALPHONSE:
As am I. Oh, you have won again! Congratulations.
LARRY:
So I have.
[pause]
Oh what a beautiful sunset.
ALPHONSE:
Yes it is.
[The two sit quietly for a while.]
EPILOGUE
nothing
Larry is alone at the front of the stage in a single spotlight. In the background you can see Larry and Alphonse sitting on the porch playing dominoes and listening to records.
nothing
LARRY:
I have found
happiness.
I am content.
No longer
do I feel
[pause]
the need.
nothing
Alphonse
is my friend,
my loneliness
at an end.
nothing
Happy am I.
Contented am I.
Untroubled am I.
nothing
This
is where I belong.
This
is my home.
This,
this bit of forest,
satisifies me.
nothing
But then,
once again,
for a few weeks
each spring,
then,
the shining lights
of the city,
the lights,
in those windows
call out to me.
nothing
[The spotlight goes out.]
nothing
nothing
nothing